Over the past month, I’ve been lucky enough to have had some really good dates with some great guys (ah yes, these are among the benefits of not living in tiny town in southern Africa). And over the course of four dates with the same guy, we kept circling back to the topic of gender roles and what defines masculinity and femininity. (I know, not exactly first-date friendly conversations but, whatever, it was engaging conversation). Anyway, one of the thorny-ish aspects of our conversations and many of our unanswered questions have been around the definition of a woman, what is “women’s work” and how it’s changed over the years … and how no one has really talked about how this change in women’s roles changes men’s roles. Men were once the breadwinners, the providers of their families, the leaders of companies and churches and organizations, etc., and now women are able to take on those roles — so does that leave a sort of void for what makes a man, a man? Are men perhaps a bit justified in feeling left out of the feminist conversation? As a society, we’ve redefined womanhood (rightfully) but there hasn’t really been a conversation about redefining manhood. The only place where I can think of this conversation happening is in the evangelical Christian church — through programs and books like John Eldridge’s Wild at Heart or any of the bajillion sermon series out there on “biblical manhood.” But we’re talking about big social upheaval here — women are now 51% of the American workforce and that represents a pretty significant social upheaval, as this really great Economist article points out. Why should this conversation be confined to the church? Where’s the larger societal discussion? Should there be one?
Anyway, big, sweeping, societal discussions aside, a friend of mine sent me this Rudyard Kipling poem that is probably familiar to many of you. I would argue that these traits are important for any human, whether male or female, but I do wish I could find more men who embody the words of this poem. And I’d definitely go on at least 4 dates with him, too.
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!
–Rudyard Kipling
(HT: Economic Eye)
